Not Dead

It's been a while... I can't apologize for the delay because this a blog and I owe nothing except taxes.


In my blogsence, I've spent a tremendous amount of time on the iPad playing an addicting version of skee-ball. However, I have continued to take notes periodically and wanted to share them with all of you since my last posting (April 6, 2010). It's less of a diary, more of a diarrhea of thought with dates. Well, here it is:



April 7th, 2010- Did I send Russell Crowe a birthday card?

April 16th, 2010- The movie "Kick-Ass" will raise eyebrows for it's title, but "Death at a Funeral" will raise eyebrows because of its subject matter.

April 17th, 2010- I was wrong. Both films resulted in more of a unibrow.

April 30th, 2010- Katy Perry is due for a big summer smash.

May 31st, 2010- Man, this month really flew by.

June 8th, 2010- I should redbox Shutter Island tonight.

June 26th, 2010- Ghana... World Cup Champions 2010? Damnit USA.

June 27th, 2010- Damnit USA.

July 2nd, 2010- These voicemails could ruin Mel Gibson's golf career.

July 4th, 2010- Go USA!

July 7th, 2010- Lebron James announces his decision to take his plate-spinning talents down to South Beach, but return to Cleveland to play basketball. The decision to be annoying remains a mystery.

July 13th, 2010- Did I return Shutter Island?

July 26th, 2010- These WikiLeaks call for one man... Joe the Plumber.

July 28th, 2010- When AMC airs "Troy," does that catapult it's cinematic status to classic? Or are we to assume that AMC now stands for American Movie Crap or American Movie Catastrophes? Pretty sure it's one of the two.





Look for future posts on chunkyflow.com. I should have a post up there in a couple days.



This was my last goodbye to blognaesandwich. Thanks to everyone who has read, commented, and criticized it. I welcome all of the above. Chunky Flow will hopefully be flowing with more frequency than the sandwich. In closing, nobody likes making a sandwich; but if it's accessible, most people will eat it. Hopefully chunky flow will be easier to make and more accessible.

Almighty Dollar- Part One

The best things in life are free. That is true. That said, the best electronics cost money. I do not love money. I simply love the stuff that money can get. I don't pretend to understand how the whole money thing works. I just know I work, I get some of it, my college gets some of it, the man gets some of it, and the remainder goes to Target. Pretty sure that's the cycle. There are countless things about money that I cannot begin to understand. Like why hotel bottled water is more expensive than gas station bottled water. However, I do think that money gets a bad rap.

Bad rapper money

We're not taught to respect, embrace or even love money. We're taught to fear it, distrust it, even hate it. After all, it's the root of all evil, right? Wrong I say. Money is great. Money helps kids get cleft surgery around the world, money can add a cocktail to your dinner, money can provide a world-class education. Yes, there's a line. Does GW really cost over $50 k a YEAR? I know some grads from there and ... I mean... just sayin... 200 grand?

Statue of over-priced education

But money shouldn't be feared or hated. Ok, so there are evil people who have too much of it. Those people shouldn't be feared or hated either. Maybe smited, but not hated. There are people who kill for it. I think it's safe to say we can hate those people. Hate is a strong word. We can just hate those people. We can fear them too. That's another safe bet.

And speaking of people doing crazy things for money, did you know people still rob banks? This happens thousands of times each year. People still walk into banks (mostly during the hours between 9 and 11) and steal money. I find it interesting that aside from making oral demands in these heists, many still resort to the demand note.

"I have a gun. Give me the money."

"Have gun. No dye packs. All Cash."

"Can't work for it. Takes too long. Large bills only."

"Tim Burton, stop making movies."

"Money in the bag. Don't tell anyone we made out."

The frequency of bank robberies has decreased in recent times due to modern security, educational movies like S.W.A.T., and the discomfort of wearing ski-masks.

Less popular bank-robbing ski gear

Shake your money monikers: moolah, cashola, greenbacks, benjamins, cheese, bucks, buckeroos, C-notes, big ones, cabbage, lettuce, greens, bacon, bread, dough, scratch, ends, clams, smackers, coinage, paper, fiver, ten-spot, and loot.

Benjamins, baby

Sand dollar walks into a sandbar...

Sounds of money: the scraping between two crisp bills, a penny hitting the surface of a fountain, first credit card swipe, a signed check being torn out of a checkbook after mowing some old man's lawn.

"For I don't care too much for money, can't buy me love." -the Beatles

Money can't buy you love Mr. McCartney, but it did a pretty good job at affording you a town home in upscale London, an apartment in mid-town Manhattan, a house on Long Island, a home in Beverly Hills, a 1500-acre estate in East Sussex, and a country retreat in Scotland. Maybe I'm amazed at all the money you have, Sir Paul.

Borrowing money from a friend is no good.

ATM's still vex me. So many questions all at once. Is there a robot that refills it when everyone is asleep? Is it printing money as we type in the amount? Why does the machine have to charge me a $3 service fee? What is the machine going to do with my 3 bucks? Is that what the robot charges to refill it? We'll figure you out one day, Automated Teller Magician.

"The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money." -Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson's famous Monticello, constructed by warm thoughts and slaves. Loooooots of slaves.

Money can't buy happiness. It can only buy a bunch of things that provide us with happiness. Money can't cure cancer. It can only supply the research that will eventually cure cancer, provided there are still hard-working people out there willing to pay too much for an education.

Where is the nearest Target?

You wanna try the other one on?

The following is an aimless ode to something very near and dear to me and more specifically, near and dear to my feet... shoes. Shoes are my favorite things to put on my feet, with the exception of socks. Shoes have so much to offer, and ask so little in return. A good pair of shoes can complete an outfit. Tying your shoes is a rite of passage into pre-school maturity. We dip baby shoes in precious metals to preserve them for life.

There is no such thing as a stupid shoe... only stupid feet.

Shoes are transcendent: If the shoe fits, wear it. Walk a mile in another man's shoes. Shoes make the man. Now the shoe is on the other foot. You've got big shoes to fill.

Ever wonder why a newly married couple rides off into the sunset with a pair of shoes tied to the bumper? Me neither.

And while we're on the subject, there once was an old woman who lived in a shoe. That same woman beat her kids before putting them to bed. Seriously, read the old nursery again.

Old Woman Shoe-Owner, punishes children

Old Woman Shoe-Renter, punishes pins

You know the worst part about stepping in dog shit? When you do it wearing a brand new pair of shoes.

Shoes with lights, LA Lights, shoes with wheels, Heelys, heels, shoes with laces, laceless shoes, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Moonwalking Michael Jackson, moonshoes, snowshoes, horseshoes, saddle shoes, boogie shoes, platform shoes, blue suede shoes, ruby red slippers, sheepskin slippers, walking shoes, running shoes, stilettos, bucks, women in stilletos, cowboy boots, hush puppies, Cameron Diaz in stilettos, Kenneth Cole, Cole Haan, prom shoes, post-prom shoes, sneaks, kicks, flats, DC shoes, DKNY shoes, galoshes, shoe flies, fly shoes, PF Flyers, slip-ons, moccasins, pumps, Reebok Pumps, gumshoes, gum on your shoes, high tops, low tops, sandals, mandals, and aquasocks.

Sneakers

Cinderella was even saved by a shoe. A glass slipper... Streak-free shoe shine? Dorothy made it back home to Kansas by the grace of a pair of sequinned shoes.

Some shoe brands that hit it big: Uggs, Crocs, Birkenstocks, Chucks, Vans, Sambas, Timbs, Rainbows, Reefs, Newbies, Skechers, Jordans, and Keds (from the Latin word ped meaning "foot").

Other Chucks that hit it big

Irish American Humphrey O'Sullivan patented the rubber heal for shoes on January 24, 1899. You're welcome, Nike.

Friends in the industry: Dr. Marten & Dr. Scholl

Honorable British Knights

Dishonorable British Knights

Shoes even play a key part in some of the most memorable movies of all time. Here are just a few...

"May the Air Force Ones be with you" - Star Wars

"I'm going to make him a loafer he can't refuse" - The Godfather

(Marlon Brando in The Godfather, 1972)

"I'll get you my pretty and your little clog too" - Wizard of Oz

"Here's lookin at shoes, kid." - Casablanca

(Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca, 1942)

"You're gonna need bigger boat shoes." - Jaws

Shoes are, in fact, everywhere.

Shoes in Space

Shoes in Politics

I don't know where we'd be today without shoes. Probably in the same place, but with colder feet.

2010 Vancouver Hangover

Winter Olympics programming takes heat for its lack of entertainment value for the average tv viewer, but I happened to really enjoy the odd athletic displays of the most recent Olympic games. And as this post's title would suggest, I am saddened by it's dissappearance. Whoever knew that people could dance for gold... on ice? I think there should be a separate medal round for the outfits alone. Dare I say Russia would own the tallest podium at the ceremony? I am about 80 percent sure their costumes were created using the same technology James Cameron employed for Avatar. Come to think of it, were they featured in said feature?

Alien from Avatar

Aliens from Russia

And Hockey. U-S-A! U-S-A! It really made me wish I grew up playing the sport... on ice (I'm no stranger to the concrete rollerblade-clad version). And from what I have been told, hockey is the only accepted form of physical activity in Canada. Sure, they have some skiers and lugers and dancers... on ice; but the only sport that is televised in Canada is hockey. And we beat them... almost twice. On an international stage, that is amazing. Not to take anything away from Canada, except for Jim Carrey, insulin, zippers, aforementioned director, and the voice of Shrek, but USA rocks. Canada took the gold. They were favored 2:1 to win the gold. If Hockey was the only sport played competetively in the States, we'd probably have decent Vegas odds to win the gold too.

Crosby Sweater (source of American pain)

Cosby sweater (source of American joy)

Bobsleigh. Awesome. Ski Jump. Awesome. Figure Skating. Awesome. Yes, I said awesome. It's all awesome, and all things we will probably never do. So why not watch them? Embrace them. Laugh at the outfits, sit in awe at the spectacle. Shut up about Lebron for a couple weeks. What's his vertical leap?Let's see it on skis. I don't want to hear about Ocho Cinco and his latest crappy book or celebrity dancing appearance, unless that celebrity dance routine is going to be ...on ice. And who is Tiger Woods? Is he curling now? Then I don't care. Show me the Austrian wearing full body saran wrap going down a a hill of ice at 150 kilometers an hour. That is different. That is worth watching for two weeks every four years. I love the Winter Olympics. Hell, I love "The Marriage Ref" and they haven't even aired the first episode. Snowboarding... Sport? Olympic Sport? Yes and yes. Can you do that? No? Me neither. Let's watch it. Let's witness Shaun White doing something that nobody has done before. Of course, that is giving such volume to a shock of man hair... also the double mctwist move. That was pretty good too.

Red-haired Shaun (Mctiwist perfector)Red-haired Ron (McFlurry perfector)

I hope 4 years from now... as I write this blog aboard my hovercraft couch, I am thinking about the US Hockey team reclaiming the gold, Shaun White creating some new gravity-defying move, and hearing less Americans say "I hate the Olympics. They're so boring." To those jaded Americans:

I'll give you 4 years. Relax, find a nice spot on your hovercraft couch, and pour yourself a tall cup of Winter Olympics... on ice.

The Hair Up There

Be it in a perfectly pinched pony tail or cascading out of a football helmet, I have long been intrigued by lengthy locks (namely that of men). The story of Samson is one that comes to mind on the subject of long hair. He was a freakishly strong human being known best as a young man for slaying a lion with his bare hands. Eventually, he was thwarted by his enemies when they unlocked a closely guarded secret: his strength rested in his scissor-free coif. To summarize the mythical narrative: Strong guy/long hair, enemies cut hair, man loses strength, man gets captured, man's hair grows back, enter stage right Tony Danza finale featuring Samson showing everyone who's the boss. Mythical Rogaine. Although it has probably been well documented by psychologists and companies who profit from the insecurity felt by men losing the hair on their heads, there is something mysterious and inexplicably glorious about a dude with a cranial pasture.

Samson (photographer unknown)

The following is a short list of long hair: Troy Polamalu, John Travolta in Michael, Hulk Hogan, Van Helsing, Andre Agassi, Fabio, Einstein, George Washington, Dumbledore, John Travolta in Swordfish, the Three Wisemen, the three wisemen who brought us "MmmBop," Keith Urban, Jesus, Madmartigan, John Travolta in Pulp Fiction, He-Man, the Beatles, Bob Marley, Santa Clause, Leonardo DaVinci, Whoopi Goldberg... all great men in their own respect, but with little concern for keeping it brief.

Self-portrait of DaVinci (also composite sketch of Santa Clause)

Composite sketch of Tim Allen (aka the "real Santa")

I made up somewhere that hair care products have the highest sale volume of any non-food item. Just imagine if that were true. Wouldn't that almost blow your mind? Head hair loss is treated like a horrific disease. Google the words "hair loss" and you will find links for: "Hair Restoration Experts," "Hair Loss Treatment," and my favorite "Fight Hair Loss." This is one crusade that may miss the pages of unwritten history books. And is it funny that men pay thousands of dollars to add hair, while women pay thousands of dollars to have it removed? But back to the main point here... George Clooney was the best theatrical Batman and always will be. No contest.

Speaking of Clooney, awesome movies, and hair, can you tell me which one of these gentlemen is more confident?

Boys George

Trick question. They're both equally and undeniably confident, but do you know which one is more apt to slay the king of the jungle? I think it's safe to say that George Michael Clooney has Oceans beat by a little more than "a" hair.

Cat aHolic Struggle

Just as Josh Hartnett gave up box office success when he starred in the career sacrificial "40 Days and 40 Nights," I have decided to follow suit and give up the sauce for Lent. I do find it odd that many Irish Catholics, such as myself, give up booze during Lent and St. Patrick's Day falls in the middle of that time period. Sidenote: I used to have a close friend who shares his birthday with the Irish holiday, but he's married now. Is there a mulligan or a "get out of Lent free" card for said holiday? I hope not. If Jesus resisted all worldly temptation in the desert for 40 days, how hard can it be to give up something like delicious cocktails, ice cold brew dogs, and full glasses of red wine for 960 hours.... right? I guess it puts things into perspective. In a hypothetical WWJD on Day 3 in the desert, I may or may not have given into a couple bottles of water and some powerbars (maybe throw in a GPS). So, the 40 days resisting pretty much everything under the sun is somewhat impressive I guess. The Book says that through rough terrain and varying climates, Satan tempts Jesus three times and recaps those brief interactions, but I think realistically some of the conversations probably went like this..."Jesus, are you sure? It is pretty hot out here... I mean we're in a desert for your sake. Water? Sobe Water? You sure you're sure?" I guess if Satan had tempted me with water, food and a GPS system, I'd be spent on about day 3. Not to wax overly biblical, but I like to think that Catholics have it pretty easy, aside from the whole "guilty for life" complex.

Things Bothering Me (inspired by PJ)

Semicolons, full colons, Bud Light Golden Wheat, McDonald's sponsoring the Olympics, itchy colons, significant delay in big screen version of "Coach," songs that cost $1.29, "Valentine's Day" previews, heart burn, second hand fart, public speaking, moustache breath, beret-free heads, yoga parties, neck tattooes, neck zits, tattooes of neck zits, hockey analysts, sleeping on the couch, back pain, sports analysts in general, player/coach haters, non-British people who say "precisely," polka dots, Asian women named Demarcus, real estate business, banks, Redbox, Blue balls, people who show off their iPhones/blackberries/ipods/flip-phones/camera flips/anything that has a screen and buttons, facebook, nerds who started facebook, nerds, uncomfortable chairs, neo-Nazis, old Nazis, pancakes, false gods before and after Him, real estate business, NFL hangover with swarms of newly converted Saints fans... Hooray!, eating healthy, deodorant cakes, and tape residue.