You wanna try the other one on?

The following is an aimless ode to something very near and dear to me and more specifically, near and dear to my feet... shoes. Shoes are my favorite things to put on my feet, with the exception of socks. Shoes have so much to offer, and ask so little in return. A good pair of shoes can complete an outfit. Tying your shoes is a rite of passage into pre-school maturity. We dip baby shoes in precious metals to preserve them for life.

There is no such thing as a stupid shoe... only stupid feet.

Shoes are transcendent: If the shoe fits, wear it. Walk a mile in another man's shoes. Shoes make the man. Now the shoe is on the other foot. You've got big shoes to fill.

Ever wonder why a newly married couple rides off into the sunset with a pair of shoes tied to the bumper? Me neither.

And while we're on the subject, there once was an old woman who lived in a shoe. That same woman beat her kids before putting them to bed. Seriously, read the old nursery again.

Old Woman Shoe-Owner, punishes children

Old Woman Shoe-Renter, punishes pins

You know the worst part about stepping in dog shit? When you do it wearing a brand new pair of shoes.

Shoes with lights, LA Lights, shoes with wheels, Heelys, heels, shoes with laces, laceless shoes, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Moonwalking Michael Jackson, moonshoes, snowshoes, horseshoes, saddle shoes, boogie shoes, platform shoes, blue suede shoes, ruby red slippers, sheepskin slippers, walking shoes, running shoes, stilettos, bucks, women in stilletos, cowboy boots, hush puppies, Cameron Diaz in stilettos, Kenneth Cole, Cole Haan, prom shoes, post-prom shoes, sneaks, kicks, flats, DC shoes, DKNY shoes, galoshes, shoe flies, fly shoes, PF Flyers, slip-ons, moccasins, pumps, Reebok Pumps, gumshoes, gum on your shoes, high tops, low tops, sandals, mandals, and aquasocks.

Sneakers

Cinderella was even saved by a shoe. A glass slipper... Streak-free shoe shine? Dorothy made it back home to Kansas by the grace of a pair of sequinned shoes.

Some shoe brands that hit it big: Uggs, Crocs, Birkenstocks, Chucks, Vans, Sambas, Timbs, Rainbows, Reefs, Newbies, Skechers, Jordans, and Keds (from the Latin word ped meaning "foot").

Other Chucks that hit it big

Irish American Humphrey O'Sullivan patented the rubber heal for shoes on January 24, 1899. You're welcome, Nike.

Friends in the industry: Dr. Marten & Dr. Scholl

Honorable British Knights

Dishonorable British Knights

Shoes even play a key part in some of the most memorable movies of all time. Here are just a few...

"May the Air Force Ones be with you" - Star Wars

"I'm going to make him a loafer he can't refuse" - The Godfather

(Marlon Brando in The Godfather, 1972)

"I'll get you my pretty and your little clog too" - Wizard of Oz

"Here's lookin at shoes, kid." - Casablanca

(Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca, 1942)

"You're gonna need bigger boat shoes." - Jaws

Shoes are, in fact, everywhere.

Shoes in Space

Shoes in Politics

I don't know where we'd be today without shoes. Probably in the same place, but with colder feet.

2010 Vancouver Hangover

Winter Olympics programming takes heat for its lack of entertainment value for the average tv viewer, but I happened to really enjoy the odd athletic displays of the most recent Olympic games. And as this post's title would suggest, I am saddened by it's dissappearance. Whoever knew that people could dance for gold... on ice? I think there should be a separate medal round for the outfits alone. Dare I say Russia would own the tallest podium at the ceremony? I am about 80 percent sure their costumes were created using the same technology James Cameron employed for Avatar. Come to think of it, were they featured in said feature?

Alien from Avatar

Aliens from Russia

And Hockey. U-S-A! U-S-A! It really made me wish I grew up playing the sport... on ice (I'm no stranger to the concrete rollerblade-clad version). And from what I have been told, hockey is the only accepted form of physical activity in Canada. Sure, they have some skiers and lugers and dancers... on ice; but the only sport that is televised in Canada is hockey. And we beat them... almost twice. On an international stage, that is amazing. Not to take anything away from Canada, except for Jim Carrey, insulin, zippers, aforementioned director, and the voice of Shrek, but USA rocks. Canada took the gold. They were favored 2:1 to win the gold. If Hockey was the only sport played competetively in the States, we'd probably have decent Vegas odds to win the gold too.

Crosby Sweater (source of American pain)

Cosby sweater (source of American joy)

Bobsleigh. Awesome. Ski Jump. Awesome. Figure Skating. Awesome. Yes, I said awesome. It's all awesome, and all things we will probably never do. So why not watch them? Embrace them. Laugh at the outfits, sit in awe at the spectacle. Shut up about Lebron for a couple weeks. What's his vertical leap?Let's see it on skis. I don't want to hear about Ocho Cinco and his latest crappy book or celebrity dancing appearance, unless that celebrity dance routine is going to be ...on ice. And who is Tiger Woods? Is he curling now? Then I don't care. Show me the Austrian wearing full body saran wrap going down a a hill of ice at 150 kilometers an hour. That is different. That is worth watching for two weeks every four years. I love the Winter Olympics. Hell, I love "The Marriage Ref" and they haven't even aired the first episode. Snowboarding... Sport? Olympic Sport? Yes and yes. Can you do that? No? Me neither. Let's watch it. Let's witness Shaun White doing something that nobody has done before. Of course, that is giving such volume to a shock of man hair... also the double mctwist move. That was pretty good too.

Red-haired Shaun (Mctiwist perfector)Red-haired Ron (McFlurry perfector)

I hope 4 years from now... as I write this blog aboard my hovercraft couch, I am thinking about the US Hockey team reclaiming the gold, Shaun White creating some new gravity-defying move, and hearing less Americans say "I hate the Olympics. They're so boring." To those jaded Americans:

I'll give you 4 years. Relax, find a nice spot on your hovercraft couch, and pour yourself a tall cup of Winter Olympics... on ice.